It’s Valentine’s Day! A day for expressions of love and romance. A reminder to couples everywhere to tell their partners they are special. Because clearly it’s only important one day a year. It’s not a fundamental need in relationships.
But Valentine’s Day is also a time when the spotlight shines on what is missing in the life of a single. Oh, some will disregard it, recognizing it as a silly holiday. Others will attempt to remain busy, desperately trying not to notice what happens around them so as not to be reminded of their lack. And then some will simply fall into a depressed state crying out to the universe at the unfairness of it all.
Ironically, for a single person it’s just another day. Another day for someone to tell them what they are doing wrong, what they can improve or change that will miraculously bring them the love they desire. To say it’s a frustrating diatribe would be to minimize the despicable message hidden beneath a sheath of care and concern.
I wonder if people even think before they speak. Do these do-gooders and would-be relationship psychics pause to remember a single is a person with feelings and a history? Do they even consider the damaging message they are perpetuating?
It starts when you’re young, during your first crush when you’re reminded you’re too young to love. Ok, there’s a lot of truth to that. It’s certainly not wrong, and yet there are probably better ways to reign in the hormones and angst of youth. Then it becomes statements about you’re just too focused on school, or partying depending on your bend. Then you don’t really know what you’re looking for, followed by you’re too picky. As the years pass it becomes more personal. You’re too fat; you’re too thin. Your acne is a deterrent; your hair isn’t right. You’re not dressing feminine enough, or you dress too revealing. You’re too strong and intimidating, or you’re too shy and withdrawn. You don’t go out enough; you’re going out to the wrong places. You’re not letting people know you; you’re sharing too much too soon. You’re not really trying; you’re trying too hard and should just let it happen naturally. Finally, when you’re just so tired of being told all the reason why you are incapable of attracting love, it’s because you’re sending out bad energy and repelling people.
My question is: When did love become something you had to earn through such perfection? Isn’t love supposed to be the precious unmerited gift? The validation that who you are – right now – is special.
How many people have found love when they have acne, are overweight, have a successful job, or dress inappropriately? How many found love when they weren’t looking, or found it when they did? How many found love when they were at their lowest point and ready for depression meds?
There is no evidence to prove any of the advice given will result in the wind of love blowing into your life. There is a lot of compelling evidence to show demeaning people results in a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache.
Life isn’t fair. There isn’t a justifiable reason why people who long for a relationship are still alone. It’s just a fact of life, another mystery in an individual’s universe. Shaming singles won’t change the situation, but it will change the circumstance by making it unbearable.
So for Valentine’s Day I’d like to give the single people out there a gift of truth. You are more than worthy of love… right now, as you are. You have great value as a person on a challenging journey with an ever changing path. You are enough. You are deserving, and you always will be.
by G. Anne Bassett 